Unlucky England Robbed in World Cup Scandal - Not

I will now publish the photograph which categorically must not be allowed to serve as an excuse for England's pitiful exit from the World Cup.

For those living in a parallel universe or reading this for a school project in the future (which would mean that I have achieved some sort of celebrity, in which case well done me) I should explain that the dastardly Germans beat our gallant boys 4-1. There was not even the bitter solace of losing on penalties. We were utterly outplayed and perhaps the only pertinent criticism of the Germans is that they should have scored a couple more. 'English defence' must now join 'Scottish Amicable' as a great comedy oxymoron. Our guileless millionaire superstars were, in technical terms, total pants. But enough of my cutting-edge analysis and back to that photo. It shows what was indisputably a goal scored by Frank Lampard (who thus proved that he actually was at the World Cup) except of course that it wasn't a goal because the referee (the sole arbiter of fact) didn't give it. Now at the time it happened I was furious because it would have levelled the scores, albeit undeservedly, at 2-2, but please, please, please, do not let it become a distraction from the reality of the situation - which is that we're not terribly good at football. Neither are we terribly bad. Mediocre would be the mot juste as the French might have it - and it is with the French that we can find some crumb of comfort in this whole footballing misadventure. Why? Because the French, God bless 'em, exited at the group stage in a splenetic mood of self-loathing and recrimination which made the England camp seem settled and sane.

Back again to the goal that never was. Along with a palpably offside goal scored by Argentina later in the day, this served to advance the cause of video evidence being used in major football. There are actually quite good arguments against such a development but they are not as good as the arguments for it and I will not therefore bore you with them. Suffice to say that the clinching point in favour of video referees is that that prize knob Sepp Blatter is opposed. He, you will recall, is the President of FIFA, worthy successor to a line of self-aggrandising sporting panjandrums. Congratulations Sepp, you are this year's winner of the Samaranch Award for being totally up your own behind in the administration of what is only a bloody game, but as it happens a very important one.

Anyway, my tip for the World Cup? Haven't a clue. In all my years of gambling I don't think I've ever bet on football and I'm not starting now. But my sentimental choice is Ghana. Love the shirts boys.