England Uber Alles - OG Gives The Definitive Verdict On 6N 2016

So England won the Six Nations Grand Slam. Well done. About bloody time one might say. This either means (if you are a swivel-eyed halfwit) that England are now poised for world domination, or (if you are a swivel-eyed halfwit) that this was the worst 6N in the history of the universe and that Wales were robbed by a South African referee, a duff scoring system, racial prejudice and the assembled forces of western capitalism. No, what you will get here is unalloyed truth, 100% wisdom. Which is:

Best Team 

This year, England by a comfortable margin. France are a basket case, their fabulous heritage now held hostage by a bloated club game that cannot afford to give game-time to up and coming native footballers because the clubs need to wring every last centime of value out of geriatric imports. Tres, tres triste. Ireland are a team reinventing themselves but they have a good front-row and half-backs, Sexton's head problems notwithstanding. I still like their coach, though this is a less fashionable view than it was. Italy - oh my poor Italy. By the end of the championship they had utterly shot their bolt. But once again we have to laud the mighty Parisse - some bloody player and he can even conduct post-match interviews in three languages - I think I have a man crush. Scotland - I love their coach and seriously hope he gets the Lions gig. Stuart Hogg is a gem and there are even signs that he may calm down, mind you he ran a bloody long way to involve himself in a forward scuffle in the Ireland match. Which leaves us with Wales. They have the greatest number of high quality international players in the 6N. This is an outstanding crop. Just look at their back-row stocks: Warburton (who I will concede showed signs of returning to his best); Tipuric; Faletau (as good as Parisse but I don't think he can speak French); Lydiate; and now we need to add to that list Ross Moriarty who came off the bench against Italy and was immense, my man of the match in fact. Watch out too for Tom Phillips who captained Wales U20 to their own Grand Slam. These are riches. You can allow them an off season and they did after all finish second in the table but duffing up a shot Italian team is not enough. The suspicion lingers that Warren Gatland has not got all he could out of this team. Or is it that the players don't really believe they can be world beaters? Their tour to New Zealand will be intriguing. Here's the news folks - the All Blacks are not, indeed never have been, unbeatable - check out their historic record against South Africa if you don't believe me. What they do have is a carefully and arrogantly concocted brand based upon high skill and psychological intimidation. I love NZ rugby but they are not gods. Mind you, if Sergio Parisse had been an All Black ...

England? Loose head prop worries me. Marler has made himself a marked man for referees and Mako Vunipola still doesn't look to me as if he can scrummage at the top level. Eddie Jones is an ex-hooker - he'll sort this out. Either that or he'll go back to his unprincipled campaign to depower the scrum per his time with Australia when the best they had to offer was Al Baxter. If he adopts this latter approach I will picket Twickenham until he is sacked. Itoje is magnificent. He is not Martin Johnson, rather closer to John Eales if comparisons must be made, but, here's an idea, let's just let him be Maro Itoje. Open-side flanker is a conundrum. I think Jones has very fixed views as to what 'makes' an international footballer. He believes Haskell has it (so do I) and preferred to play him ahead of altenatives he thinks do not have it - this would seem to include the much touted (at least by men of Gloucester) Kvesic. The penalty count must come down but it has been nice to see a bit of the mongrel back in an England team. The next few years ought to be fun to watch. I still think that Wales, for now, have the stronger squad. England have more professional players but those players partake of a lot more physically damaging rugby than the home based Welshmen - The Premiership is way more bruising than the Pro 12. For a start, there's relegation. Quite right too.

Player of the Tournament

George Kruis. This has not been the choice of the powers that be - they selected Stuart Hogg. Fair enough.

But Kruis is the OG's type of footballer. Big, damaging, uncompromising and technically very, very adept. An athlete with attitude. And to think England have Launchbury and Lawes in reserve. That's intimidating.

Best Referee

As ever and by a country mile. Res ipsa loquitur. Nigel Owens. Allocated only one match in the 6N. Shameful. I know up and comers have to be blooded, but you always pick your best player so why doesn't that apply to referees? I mean, Jaco bloody Peyper got two games for heaven's sake. And he's not fit to lace the Boy Owens' boots.

Best Try





Stuart Hogg. I never said the boy can't play.

Most Annoying Trend

Hordes of backs rushing to laud their forwards when they perceive them to have done something good. If forwards had more self-respect they would do as my great friend Tony Stafford (aka the Stumbling Beast) did to me (and I was at least a fellow forward) when I enquired as to his well-being during a torrid front-row encounter (that's what we used to call fights) with Newbold (you think Beirut's tough, you've never played at Newbold, God love them) - Staff told me to 'Fuck off, I'm busy!'. Nuff said, respect, indeed.

The Ronan O'Gara Gobshite Memorial Award

When the OG first generously decided to endow this award, he suspected that it would be contested by gobby backs who really ought to know better. It is therefore with considerable surprise that the selection panel (comprised of those who lastest longest in the bar at Colin Cragg's stag last weekend) have come up with three joint winners, one a prop forward, another who didn't even play in the championship, the third a committee of alickadoos.

First the non-com: Shay Clipson, whose spokesmanship has been so counterproductive as to make Joe Marler an unworthy cult hero. Roberts' First Rule: always be wary of those taking offence on behalf of those other than themselves.

Shay Clipson of the National Alliance of Gypsy, Traveller & Roma Women

Secondly, Marler himself. I know it was in the middle of a tussle in a game of international sport but I don't buy the 'banter' crap myself. You got it wrong Joe, something your immediate apology betrayed. It was a gobshite thing to do, hence the award. Pity, because I admire anyone who sticks it in the front-row. I got out of it as fast as my size 10's could carry me.

Third in this chamber of shame: the Six Nations Committee who did nothing about it all. An appropriate ban (four weeks perhaps) should have been forthcoming. Just for once I exonerate the usually hopeless (just why was Gary Street sacked after winning a World Cup?) RFU, who were left in an impossible position by the ineffectual dithering of the Six Nations Committee. Nice one lads - this tawdry business will now drag on and give unwarranted ammunition to the soft-headed nanny-staters who will not rest happy until the game is banned along with fox hunting.

Ah well it's only a game.