Bring On The Big Grumpy Fat Pig

The Pig was out on the streets this afternoon, quite pleased with himself actually because he managed (very slowly he has to concede) four miles. While he was running (he thinks we can just about call it that - he doesn't jog) he was honing his thoughts on the big issues of the day. Those issues are the fate of European professional golf and the problem with Boris Johnson.

I saw something toe-curlingly dreadful when channel-hopping last night. It was on the Sky Golf Channel and it called itself the Hero Challenge. This consisted of self-consciously miked-up professionals (and remember these poor lost souls will play anywhere if the price is right) hitting wedges into a grid of targets on a green while Vernon Kay (wtf) shouted an asinine commentary to the assembled masses. At one point we got the gem from Kay or his hired side-kick Anthony Wall (for like pigs and men they had become indistinguishable),"You could throw a handkerchief over Matt Fitzpatrick's two balls.' Truly awful - do it if you must but please do not attempt to pass it off as proper sport. Golf is a very silly but beguiling game with an unparalleled lore - don't ruin it. And don't start me on the self-serving banal bollocks that the fantastically gifted Rory McIlroy spews out every time he is confronted by a microphone. I admire him and his game but can't find it in me to like him. As I said Big Grumpy Fat Pig.

in search of an idea, preferably an electable one

Boris Johnson. Again, wtf. I couldn't put my hand on my heart and tell you one thing he seriously believes in aside from the advancement of Boris. But maybe I'm wrong and a great statesman is going to appear from beneath the shambolic carapace. Big Grumpy Fat Pig advises you not to hold your breath.